And in the beginning, there was…

Hello from me! Here I sit, atop a metaphysical curry stain (you try typing with vindaloo on your soul,) doleing out my first words of wisdom to you, the unsuspecting readers of this site. I hope it amuses more than it offends…I certainly am not going into this with the intention of pissing people off. Well, not everybody anyhow!

So how did I come to be here? Well, Robert invited me to partake. After we’d emptied the contents of his liquor cabinet, he detailed his plan to me…to create a site that is just, well…fucked. I’m sure his intention with the title was not just another fragile excuse to swear an awful lot, or snigger repeatedly at a childish pun. If you do believe this to be the case, then take it up with Robert. You’ve got nuttin’ on me, Charlie…

I’ve decided to remain over here in England, and not escape to the rolling wilds of Sweden to take this up as my full time profession. Why? Well, we did an intensive training course in Stockholm that all fuckedâ„¢ writers have to take (which includes a rather demoralizing and humiliating entrance exam.) While I enjoyed the vodka breakfasts, and the repeated IKEA trips were passable (although I have ended up with far too many small tables,) the non-stop Abba songs piped through the fuckedâ„¢ office did, on occasion, tempt me towards homicide, and the fact that we all have to work naked in a sauna played havoc with my laptop. Plus, the repeated handjob offers from other members of the editorial team were flattering, but I felt that they affected my concentration, and were somewhat of an invasion of my personal space. Damn me and my English inhibitions!

It was fortunate that Robert decided to keep me on as an external writer anyhow, due to my excellent scores on the entrance exam, and incredible pain tolerance. I’m not sure why he liked that so much…

…but anyway, good to be here!

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