Death Metal is good for your children

Published on August 24th, 2006

So, I came up with this idea after witnessing that fantastic video on You Tube, with Sponge Bob Square Pants and friends performing a death metal track.

I’ve always been a huge fan of any music with passion, intensity, and creativity, so heavy metal has always appealed to me, including it’s death metal sub-genre, with it’s hyper fast drums (I’m a drummer myself,) shredding guitars, sick lyrics and artwork, and vocals that sound like a cat being put through a paper shredder. Robert likes a bit of the “rawk” himself, and will attest that some of the best death metal has come out of Sweden (Opeth, Entombed, Dismember, Dark Tranquility, Grave, The Crown…the list goes on and on…)

So, I put it to you that forms of music such as death metal are good for us. The Sponge Bob video surely proves that cartoons can make them more accessible, even to our children.

But wait! I hear you cry! You can’t surely be advocating letting my child listen to music such as Cryptopsy’s “None so Vile,” Cannibal Corpse’s “Tomb of the Mutilated”, and Desecration’s “Gore and Perversion?” My little Timmy finds the Wombles to be a bit sinister.

No, I’m certainly not suggesting a full-immersion treatment immediately. As a responsible parent, you have to be careful to give your children a gradual entertainment in these things. Start them off slow, with a bit of Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden, or even AC/DC or Deep Purple if you need to lower the bar a bit. But don’t poison their mind with any nu-metal—you wouldn’t be doing them any favours there. Then gradually increase the dosage, using tools such as the Sponge Bob cartoon if necessary.

In addition, you’ve got to remind your child that the people creating this music aren’t really that scary. Many of the death metal vocalists making those inhumane growling noises are short and rather cute looking, and have pretty mellow voices in real life. In fact, I think some of them have a complex about their stature, hence turning to become death metal vocalists in the first place.

And forget about it promoting violent or suicidal tendencies. In the case of the two teenagers that shot themselves after listening to Judas Priest, the answer is simple: they were idiots. It is your responsibility as a parent to bring your child up not be an idiot. It makes me think of the Bill Hicks (god rest his soul) sketch about that very same incident. “Big fuckin’ deal – 2 less gas station attendants in the world.”

It will benefit your whole family in many ways:

• It will put your children onto good music, for starters. Try telling me that’s not a good thing after they’ve played “The Crazy Frog” or Barney the Dinosaur’s “Under the Sea” song at you for the 32nd time in a row.
• It will teach them to think for themselves, and that other alternatives are available, rather than just the crap they are spoon fed by the popular media.
• It will interest them in much cooler modes of fashion, such as the old faithful studded denim jacket. Surely that’s got to be better than tracksuits or slacks?
• It will make them appreciate real live music, as opposed to manufactured bands (although I think some electronic music still counts as valid art.) The live music scene needs a shot in the arm right now, and it’s fate is in your hands!
• Following on from the last point, it will interest them in learning to play a musical instrument, which will complement their existing set of skills wonderfully, and give them much more of a chance of finding an attractive other half…think of your grand-children too!
• This will also help them to be more confident.

So heed my words! Of course, I’m not saying this all only applies to death metal—if it’s not your thing, then any decent form of music can be substituted. Subjective arguments as to what constitutes “decent music” in writing to the Fuckedâ„¢ head office address please!